Okay so I’ve figured out how to survive Passover.


First off, have the inevitable fight with your parents a couple of days before they get into town so that when everyone’s in proximity it’s already make up and make nice time. (For the record it was W. who started the fight, I was an innocent bystander, as always.)


Second, have your heavy boozing uncle from Windsor come into town so that you have an excuse to drink heavily throughout the two day campaign, after all it would be rude to let him drink alone, right?


Third, give all your attention to the menu. In this case, taking advantage of the beautiful weather, I focused much of my energy on the cooking of an elaborate beef rib dish that was meant to take the place of the traditional brisket. The ribs involved 4 hours of slow cooking/smoking on my barbecue before a few more hours of simmering on the oven in a complicated mix of white wine, beef stock, and porcini mushrooms. So that took up plenty of my time, kept me near the rapidly emptying wine bottle and I could claim I was doing it for the family.


Finally fourth, and this comes highly recommended, get your parents’ rental car towed. Yes, I managed this amazing feat special for Passover. You see, I parked their car in the alley behind my house adjacent to my garage. I’ve done it many times before and there’s never been a problem as it doesn’t block anything or inconvenience anyone. This time some jackass decided to have the car ticketed and towed, probably because it had New York plates. Long story short, Saturday morning when me and dad and the kid went to go pick up a few things for the evening festivities, the car was gone. I figured dad would be freaking out but he was actually weirdly calm about the whole thing. I on the other hand flew into a rage, jumping up and down and sputtering on about how they’re still persecuting the Jews and how I wouldn’t put up with it and don’t they know it’s Passover and when I find out who towed the car I’m gonna brain ‘em with a matzoh ball and so on and so on. Well we got the car back and from then on, thanks to my boozy uncle and some over zealous Toronto parking guy, it was smooth sailing!